


Thank You For Your Time, I'll Let You Know

by Codadilupo



Category: The Last Unicorn (1982), The Last Unicorn - All Media Types, The Last Unicorn - Peter S. Beagle
Genre: Come on Mabruk behave, Headhunting, I need a vacation, I wish my job was really to recruit magicians, Interview, Job Interview, LinkeWiz, Mabruk is way too unsavory, Parody, Schmendrick (mentioned) - Freeform, bad candidates, just for fun, made me LOL, not even the worst candidate I have ever had, recruiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:54:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27353794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Codadilupo/pseuds/Codadilupo
Summary: Mabruk during a job interview he thinks he had nailed.
Kudos: 1





	Thank You For Your Time, I'll Let You Know

**Author's Note:**

> I do really work as a recruiter / headhunter, and one day I had received an application from a guy named Mabruk (quite a common name among people of North-African descent, as many of my candidates are). Defo a sign that I had to write a fanfic about Mabruk doing a job-interview. No reference from Lìr attached to the e-mail, unfortunately. My coworkers wondered why I was chuckling like an idiot, to be fair.
> 
> I mixed in him, trying not to be too exaggerate, some of the things many applicants do during an interview and that might really damage them and put them under a bad light, like talking shit about coworkers or former employers, avoiding to give explanations, or being very condescending to the interviewer (I deal with engineers and ICT professionals, usually... many of them seem to think that a woman cannot understand their job, apparently...). Re-reading this, he is also way more pleasant than some people I had to interview in the past.
> 
> About some expressions I used: "short dick syndrome" is the colorful expression I and a colleague of mine use to refer to people who need to unnecessarily overpraise themselves, usually to compensate flaws or imperfections, ususally badmouthing others (in Italian: "sindrome del cazzo corto"). I didn't know how else to describe this kind of people.  
> A purple squirrel is, instead, the way the perfect candidate is actually referred to among recruiters: it's the candidate that meets every single criterion required by the client. Of course, is as rare as a purple squirrel, if not rarer!

“I’m so glad you agreed to this interview. I called you because I found your resume to be pretty impressive.”

“Given my experience, no wonder, my dear.”

“So, please allow me to introduce myself, Mr. Mabruk. I’m A. I’m a headhunter, and I’m currently following the recruiting process for the vacancy you have applied for. I’m not going to keep from you that our client had set some pretty high standards, and you seem to meet all of their criteria...”

“You flatter me.”

“As I already anticipated you during our first contact, our client is looking for an expert-level wizard for the enhancement of their ‘spells and charms R&D’ department. It is very, very important for them that the candidate holds an excellent theoretical knowledge on the subject, but also proves to possess excellent craft, not to mention to be able to work under particularly stressful conditions.”

“My dear, after my last experience, the notion of “stress” has acquired a whole new meaning.”

“That being said, would you please tell me more about yourself, Mr. Mabruk? I’d like you to start from the very beginning, and-”

“Well, my dear lady, I have been raised in a renowned clan of wizards, I have been raised all of my life to become who I am today. I spent my apprenticeship under my father’s wing first, then in the care of some of the best wizards of the time, always with top-class results.”

“I see... Tell me more about your first employment. Judging from what you have written on your resume, it had been a pretty short-lived experience.”

“Ah, that... They didn’t appreciate my formative career and my family background, simply. It didn’t work out for me.”

“Can you elaborate, please?”

“Since I was clearly more advanced than other young wizards my age, I expected to receive, let’s say, more credit for my accomplishments. I had instead been treated like any other.”

“Well, it’s comprehensible since it was your very first work experience...”

“Anyway, I decided since then to start a freelance career, since it seemed that no employer could meet _my_ expectations.”

“Right, right. Please, tell me about some of the most important projects you have been involved in.”

“But maybe there are too many _technicalities_ you might have difficulty understanding.”

“Well, just help me understand, then. Explain it to me as if I was a six-year-old.”

“My dear lady, I’m afraid that explaining such things to someone like yourself might be a waste of your precious time... Magic is terribly complicated and, for people unfamiliar with its way of working, that might be very-”

“Alright, so you won’t mind if we’ll skip your recap, and I’ll ask you more direct and specific questions right away, won’t you? I was particularly curious to learn more about this collaboration you had with Nikos... Will you give me more details about the kind of spells involved? Seemed a pretty challenging experience.”

“Oh, it was, my dear, but we managed fine enough. It started all with an especially heinous curse that required our conjoined forces to lift, and-”

“What kind of curse?”

“They called it ‘the dancing plague.’ The entire population of a village started to dance apparently without reason, and we had been summoned to find a counterspell, which had been anything but an easy task.”

“How did you manage it? How did you arrive at a solution?”

“Since no known spell seemed to be of any use to that particular situation, we agreed on a different strategy based on the blending of a few of them; that required a great deal of patient study and dealings with fellows of our trade who had been anything but helpful.”

“How so?”

“Jealousy, I guess, since we had come to a solution, or at least we were trying.”

“Did Nikos faced the same problems?”

“If he did, he didn’t show, but he had always been much more tolerant and benevolent – too benevolent, I think. Just look at his pupil...”

“If you allow me, I’d like to know more about this particular event you seemed to have just – ah – _glided over_ in your resume... How about you tell me what happened?”

“Nothing important, my dear, let’s not talk about it... There are more interesting cases I can talk to you about; let’s not even mention that one.”

“Well, Mr. Mabruk, since you seemed quite unwilling to give me a general overlook over your experiences, I thought it was more useful to ask you straightaway what seems to be a little less clear on paper. I’m convinced, as a professional, that what we omit sometimes tells more than what we put on display, don’t you agree?”

“Alright, my dear... Let’s say that I’m not particularly proud of that one experience.”

“Why? What had happened?”

“Another curse, this time affecting a king’s daughter, who turned to stone each new moon. I put my best effort into solving the problem. I managed to alleviate the effects of the curse since it would have required much more time to eradicate it, time the king didn’t have since he was to marry her off in two weeks.”

“And what were the results?”

“She turned to stone every two new moons.”

“So, the curse was still active?”

“Of course, it was. I couldn’t do anything else. They wanted me to do my job briskly, and so I did. Also, I’ve been teamed up with very sloppy assistants, and my remedy wasn’t as effective as it could have been.”

“Uhm...”

“You do not seem convinced, my dear.”

“Oh, do not mind me, Mr. Mabruk, I’m just thinking... About your last experience, and the reference letter we received-”

“Reference letter?”

“Oh, yes. We sought out your latest employer – more specifically, his son – as soon as we had received your resume. Again, we must work basing on the standards of our client...”

“I understand.”

“Why, after so many years as an independent worker, you decided to accept a job as an employee?”

“I was a little stressed, and I needed something less challenging. Being a royal magician seemed fit enough.”

“How did you get to start your collaboration with King Haggard?”

“Mostly casually. He needed help with a certain magical beast he wanted to get under his control, and I gladly offered my service. Let me say that I regret that moment greatly. My mastery wasted on a miserable man who asked me to perform every sort of miracles for his amusement, and yet it wasn’t enough.”

“How about the outcome of your partnership?”

“What do you mean? Wait, how do you know-?”

“Oh, I’ve done my researches. Would you like to talk about it?”

“Not quite, to be honest.”

“Alright, I understand... How did your collaboration end? The reference letter mentions an unexpected replacement.”

“Unexpected, indeed! That was one hell of a dirty shot. I had been summoned like usual, and, simple as that, I have been packed off on the spot and with the stupidest of reasons. Tell me about bad human resources management!”

“And what did-”

“And let me tell you more about my substitute! An idiot! I, dismissed as the lesser of fools, in favor of a clueless, incompetent excuse of a wizard! A _schmendrick_ in name and in fact, _nomen omen_!”

“Again, what was the-”

“What else could I do, if not leave for good and let happen what was bound to happen? Don’t you agree with me?”

“Mmmh, alright... I understand. About the timespan following your _dismissal_ and present times, I guess you had been busy with other sorts of projects.”

“You guessed correctly, my dear. I mostly focused on academic activities.”

“Well, I think that’s all for our time. Thank you again for the time you have dedicated me. I’ll let you know about our client’s intention as soon as I receive news from them.”

“A., when are you going to send our client the profile of that top-rated wizard you have been pestering us with for the past five days? You met him this morning, if I am correct.”

“Are you kidding me? That had been a disappointment on all fronts. He’s been uncooperative and condescending, self-righteous, has talked shit about his former employers during the whole interview, and he’s one of those people who think that it’s never their fault if something goes wrong! They need someone who can cooperate with, not a pretentious jerk who likes to boss everyone around.”

“Woah, was he that bad? Another SDS guy?”

“Totally a ‘Short Dick Syndrome’ guy. I’ve been doing this job for too long to not recognize a potential pain in the ass when I see one, as I know how to squeeze out useful information to seek for other candidates...”

“You have another potential profile already?”

“Yup, the magician he had been badmouthing relentlessly and who had screwed him over his last employment .”

“No kidding!?”

“No. I immediately looked for him on LinkeWiz, shared a few messages, called him, and scheduled a detailed interview this afternoon. And he is _much_ nicer! I have even called the same dude who wrote the reference for Mabruk, and he has given me a much more flattering description.”

“Are you talking about this Schmendrick guy whose resume is on your desk?”

“Him. And I hope our client is ready to write us a check, because judging by what he has told me during our preliminary phone interview, he is our purple squirrel... Prepare to buy me so many drinks, I’m going to successfully close another substantial gig.”


End file.
